Sunday, December 22, 2013

The Drug Dealer

 In my early 20s, I was very content with my single life, loved living at home, still in school,  had the most amazing social life and never let my lack of real dates piss me off. I loved the freedom to do what I wanted and come and go as I please. My friends were all in serious relationships, and after fixing their relationship problems, dating was not something I was worrying about. 

A good friend of mine decided to fix me up with a guy from her office named Andy.  She told me that he was really attractive, made great money and was hilarious...hello perfect man please come my way!  She gives him my number and we chat for a few times before the big date. I chose to go to a well known Chinese restaurant and he chose to pick me up at home instead of meeting him there.  

The day of the big date, I had an old friend over helping me get ready. When Andy got there she went downstairs first to check him out, came back up saying if I didn't want to go that she would go...this guy was HOT!  (Score!) Nervous as all hell, I went down to meet him and she definitely right... He was one of the hottest guys I had seen in awhile!  His car was beautiful, he was very polite, and I thought this was going to be a just fantastic date.  

We sit down, he orders a bottle of my favorite wine, and the conversation was going great.  I started to notice him looking around a lot, couldn't sit still, and he was sweating.   I mean this kid looked like he was about to run out of this restaurant. I obviously start thinking like a dumb girl.  I was going over everything in my head, like what did I say wrong and what did I do to make him this uncomfortable? (Don't ever turn into the dumb girl...you look pathetic) even though he seemed uncomfortable, he was talking a lot, so his nerves started to calm a little bit.  He mentioned that he went to a party school in southern Illinois, he asked if I had ever been there or if I knew anyone that went there.  I told him, while I never visited, I did know one person.  Now, the guy I knew was a friend of a friend, and I didn't know him too well but I knew he REALLY loved drugs. Andy's face dropped when I told him, and the looking around, can't sit, can't concentrate came right back. He tells me that he knows the guy, and just like that date was over.  

We get in the car and don't really speak during the 10 minute drive home...SUPER awkward.We get to my house and he says he had a wonderful time, and next time we should go out by his house in the northern suburbs because he does not care for the south side.  Now at that time, the south side had some of my favorite bars, and was my favorite place to hang out, so I knew this wasn't going to work. 

I went out a few weekends later and ran into that guy me and Andy were talking about.  We get to talking and and he informs me that I had just been on a date with a very well known drug dealer... Awesome.  Apparently Andy had a few bad drug deals on the south side, so that explains the sweating, looking around, and anxiety.  Clearly you aren't a good drug dealer, but it does explain the nice car, expensive phones, and great taste in clothes with an entry level job. 

I talked to Andy a few more times but I caught him in a few lies, so I never called him again.  I personally do not love drugs or jail.  I did love my single and easy life so I chose hugs and not drugs....but it was so nice to meet you. 

Don't take a girl out to dinner when you think people might be out to get you. Don't do drugs, don't sell bad drugs if you choose to sell them, and don't go on a date with your co-workers friend when you clearly have some crazy addictions and possibly a track record...your bosses will love to hear that. 

Please stop you are scaring me and I hope that you didn't lose your job after everyone in your office found out you were a scum bag drug dealer. 

-Darcy-

Thursday, December 19, 2013

The professional athlete

don't know why I thought it was a good idea to continue to online date after my first experience, but I figured it couldn't get any worse.  I got a message from a guy we will call Stuart, and he was right to the point and asked me to hang out.  I thought this was great, he didn't want to waste my time talking for a month before meeting.  My first clue should have been that he wanted to hang out that night, and he wanted me to drive to his house so he could make me dinner.  Now I am all up for a guy cooking for me, but I am definitely not going to your house on a first date.  It's kind of like the dumb girls that run upstairs in horror movies... You know that just won't end well.  I laid out my rules, and he agreed that going to grab a drink at a bar would be a better move.  I also need to add that it just so happened to be the night of the NFL Draft.  Now, I really don't watch too much professional football, but I love college football and watch the draft every year to see who makes it and where they end up.  

I met Stuart at a local sports bar, as I figured if the date was going bad I could just tune him out and watch the draft.  He is insistent in picking which table we sit at, and of course it is one where I can't see the tv, but I think maybe it's a sign that I won't need the backup.  The waitress comes over and takes our order.  I order a miller lite bottle, and Jack gives me an evil look (I'm not exaggerating it was evil).  He then goes into a 20 minute rant on how I am drinking my beer wrong and he was taught on a brewery tour that you should always drink beer on draft.  He actually asked the waitress to bring me a glass so I could pour my beer into it.  (Just to be clear I still drank it out of the bottle). I'm sorry I didn't realize there was a correct way to drink a beer, and I'm sure if brewery's didn't want you drinking out of a bottle they wouldn't make them.  I can't even imagine what this kid would say about drinking beer out of a can!  Strike 1.

I thought changing the topic was a good idea and asked him what sports he liked to watch and if he played any sports.  This is when I learned that there is such a thing as a professional whirlyball league.   Now for those of you who do not know what whirlyball ball is, you drive around in bumper cars (usually drunk), and throw a ball into a basketball hoop.  Sounds amazing right?  I tell him that's one of the coolest things ever and he probably has so much fun drinking and driving bumper cars around in a professional league!  Nope... He gives me the evil look again and proceeds to school me on the "sport" of whirlyball.  Apparently there is no drinking allowed and it is people like me that give the "sport" of whirlyball a bad name.  He owns special sticks to throw the ball, special uniforms to make him more aerodynamic, and he travels to other cities to compete.  Was this kid for real?  I mean I'm all for having a hobby that you are passionate about, but come on... Aerodynamic suits?  That's worse than the superhero suits at comic-con.  I at least have respect for those nerds.  Strike 2.

After the whirlyball discussion (yes I was still there) Stuart wanted to talk baseball.  I told him I really enjoy going to baseball games, but I don't really pay attention and I don't really care one way or another who wins.  He asked me if I was a Cub or Sox fan.  Being from Chicago, people are very die-hard when it comes to which team they root for, but with me it doesn't really make a difference.   I told him that if I had to pick, I would definitely pick the Cubs, but I root for both teams.  Stuart obviously didn't like that answer and told me he would have worn his "Cubs Suck" t-shirt if he knew I was a Cubs fan.  Really??  I figured since he was being rude, I might as well join the party.  I take out my phone to check the draft results (because remember he wouldn't let me sit anywhere near a tv), and the evil stare comes out again.  He says... And I quote "I now understand why you don't have a boyfriend.  You care a little too much about football."  No words.  Strike 3.

I got up, said I was leaving, and started to walk away, when he says he will walk me to my car.  No I do not want you to walk me to my car, but for the sake of not making a scene in the bar, I let him follow me in silence.  Stuart then proceeds to tell me as we get to my car that while I may be a cool girl to have a beer with, I was not dateable, and there would be no second date.  No shit Sherlock.  This kid insulted me the entire time we were out, why in the world would I subject myself to that a second time?  

Lesson learned:  Maybe I should talk to a guy a little bit before going out with them.  Not a month, but at least a week.  And next time a guy insults me don't stick around thinking it may get better because it never will. 



He called me 2 weeks later to go out again... I said no.





Tuesday, December 17, 2013

The KISS Guy

100 years ago (ok so it wasn't that long but it's me Darcy...the dramatic one) I was in my prime....going out, drinking, dancing (me dancing is always a story in itself) and dating. I loved my early 20s I thought I was invincible,I thought I could do it all and I dated the worlds biggest dbag (yes we all make mistakes even if that mistake is made over and over...and over again). As things (finally) went south with the dbag, I thought that I would date "the nice guy" I thought this was the answer... date the nice guy and life will be great. So I go out one night to a hole in the wall bar in a small area (first mistake) with a few friends and I find him "Mr. Nice Guy." This guy was very attentive to my incredible dance moves, ability to drink and flirty nature. He wasn't horrible looking, he could use some work in the clothing department but he had potential. 
We talk, I drink, I drink more and then I drank more and kept him close. Deciding that this was a great idea I give him my number when asked for it. 
Sounds great right?!? Here comes the hit.
I get home that night and as the nice guy does he called me to check on me and we have a long convo. In this drunken convo the band KISS was brought up more then once and that should never happen. I start thinking about why he would possibly be bringing all this up then remembered he did have a KISS wallet and belt buckle. Here is where Mr Nice Guy goes incredibly wrong. He tells me he has KISS sheets, KISS clothes, KISS posters covering his walls, KISS costumes (that he actually wears!!), KISS band aids, KISS chap stick and the list continues. I wanted to scream this was like that horrible Drew Barrymore movie Fever Pitch but worse. I mean ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?!?!? KISS puked all over your life and you are trying to date someone??? Oh no. Get your life together.
I loved NSYNC. I mean I loved them but I was young and once I grew up all of that NSYNC stuff went into a box and sealed up with a kiss for a great memory. I have had things I loved and I can appreciate being a fan, but you just took all of your crazy and laid it out on the table in one night.
Sweep up your crazy son because you just sobered me up and will never hear from me again....but it was so nice to meet you. 
Keep your crazy on lock down...at least until after your first date. 
Please stop you are scaring me and don't put on ridiculous costumes....ever.
-Darcy- 


My first online date

So I thought it would be fitting to start off the stories with my first online date.  Now before I start, i should probably tell you that before this 3 year time span of bad date after bad date, I had been in 3 pretty serious relationships, and never had really gone on a real date.  My first dates with my ex-boyfriends usually consisted of meeting at a bar or work or a high school football game.  So going from those to this new world of dating was a big adjustment for me.  

So I sign up for an online dating site, obviously one that I paid for.  Now here is also where I tell you that I do not believe in dating websites that are free.  I mean if you are the type of girl who wants to pay for your own drinks and dinner and then have the guy expect that you are sleeping over on the first date, then by all means please sign up for a free site, but personally I think that guys who are actually serious about finding "the one" will shell out $20 a month.  

So I sign up and I start searching for matches, which if you ask me is basically just flipping through pictures and picking out which guy is the most photogenic.  I find a guy who we will call Rob and start talking back and forth with him via email. He seemed great and we got along really well.  Since he was my first "match" I wanted to make sure that I really got to know him before I met him in person.  We emailed for a good two weeks and then talked on the phone for another 3 weeks or so.  I would spend hours on the phone with this kid and he really seemed normal, so I decided it was time to meet him in person.  

It was Rob's idea to go out so I let him pick the place.  Now if any of you know of or have been to Geja's you understand me when I say that this kid solidified a second date before even meeting him on the first one.  So I drive downtown with very high expectations for this kid,and he looks exactly like his pictures, so I feel like this is going to be great!  We hit it off just like we had been on the phone, and he had me laughing and talking non-stop.  Until the food comes... 

So first he proceeds to pull out his phone and show me a picture of himself where he is at least 30 lbs lighter (he wasn't heavy in the slightest in person and was 6'3" so he was very well proportioned).   He proceeded to tell me that was a month ago and he had gained 30 lbs since then.  Why he was showing me this, I'm still confused about.  So I mumble something about "it's only weight you look fine" and try to drop it. Nope.  He then pulls out his drivers license, where he looks at least 50 lbs heavier than he was at dinner.  He informs me this was only 2 months ago.  Now do this math... Kid loses like 80 lbs in a month, then gains 30 back the next month.  There is something seriously wrong with that.  I try to lose 5 lbs in a month and can't do it but this fool can lose 80?  Doubtful.  So I dare ask "why does your weight fluctuate so much"?  Now me being the person who is willing to give everyone the benefit of the doubt thinks he might have some medical condition.  NOPE.  He proceeds to tell me he has an eating disorder.  First date... You share that on a first date?  He tells me that he stops eating for days if he feels fat.  Seriously?  If I wanted to date an anorexic girl I would go find a lesbian sorority sister.  So I asked how he was feeling today (I just love to torture myself), and he said because it was such a big meal, he had fasted for 3 days prior to our date.  Needless to say the kid ruined his second date chance that was handed to him on a silver plater.   

It took me about 3 weeks to log back in online to look for my next "match".  The one thing that this date taught me was never to waste a month getting to know someone before going out with them. There is no need to waste all that time. Thus was born my first rule of online dating: I'm only allowed to talk to a potential date for max 1 week before meeting them in person.

Seriously a manorexic??