2014... Starting off just like 2013

So I had another first date last night. Met this guy online, he seemed really funny, fun, easy to talk to and we figured out we had a mutual friend in common.  He lives downtown, which I have always been a bit skeptical about, but figured why not try it.  When planning our date, he asked if I would mind coming down by him.  Not a problem.  

Because of this wonderful weather we have been having, I left with plenty of time because I didn't want to be late.  I forgot that driving in the city is one of the worst things ever in the winter.  Nothing is plowed, people are parked everywhere, there are lawn chairs holding empty spots, and good luck turning around on all those one way streets.  40 minutes it took me to park, and when I did find a spot it was 3 blocks down.  I was supposed to meet him at 8:30, and it was 8:50 by the time I walked in the door.  

He was funny and really adorable, but he doesn't own a car and refuses to leave the city.  Now I'm perfectly ok with hanging out in the city all the time, but at some point chivalry needs to step in and make a trip out to my house.  He also informs me that he is racist, is medicated for his anxiety, and takes 20 min showers so he can "experience himself" if you know what I mean.  

I don't know why I can't just find a normal guy to go out with?  Just once.  I really need my faith in the fact that there are normal guys still left in this world restored.

Introduction

Hey, so my name is Callie and me and my friend Darcy decided that we really needed to start documenting all of the bad dates that I have been going on, and all of the awesome stories that we have from our past. We are starting this blog as somewhere that we can tell all these stories, hopefully help warn people about the douchebags that are on online dating websites, and really just have a good laugh. Listen shit happens in life you either laugh it up or let it go and we have decided to laugh at it and write it.

Just a note before we get started. These are stories that we find very amusing, and while our sense of humor may not be funny to everyone else, we would really appreciate if instead of commenting on how we are horrible people (we already know this), if you dont like a story, just please skip over it and not send us hate email. Also, some of these stories would be really embarassing for those guys and they are just too good not to tell, so out of respect for them (which most of them dont deserve our respect but we are taking the high road) we have changed their name, and we are taking major precautions to make sure that they do not find out we are writing about them. So if we write a story about Dan and your name is Dan and you think its about you... don't worry it isn't.  Don't be so vain. 

Also, if you like our stories and want to share our blog with your friends, we really wouldn't mind at all.  Actually the more people that we can entertain the better!  Also, if you have any really good stories that you want us to tell just send us an email and we can totally share for you.  Bad dating happens to everyone.

So have fun, have some laughs and maybe learn a thing or two because trust me you have probably screwed up a date too! 

The Dreaded Profile Picture

When I started this whole online dating process, it was really just to see what was out there.  I could go into all the lame cheesy excuses that people use... all my friends are in relationships, I didn't want to meet a guy at a bar, or I had a busy work schedule and didn't have time to find a guy.  Those are all true, but also complete bullshit.  All my friends were in relationships but that doesn't mean they don't go out and party.  Most of my friends met their husbands / significant others in a bar in college, so I know that it is completely possible.  And... I work but have plenty of time to go out and not be lame.  The real reason I joined an online dating service was because I was lazy and I wanted the internet to find a guy for me.  I mean think about it... all you need to do is lay on your couch in your pajamas, pull out your laptop, type in a few things about yourself and you get a massive list of guys that you may be a match for.  So lazy!

Once I logged in and created myself a profile I started to scroll through the potential dates.  When you get a list of thousands of guys, you honestly only click on the pictures that you like, and then filter them down from there.   Having a good picture is key to finding a real date.  There have been many times that the guy has a great profile picture but once you start scrolling through the rest of his pictures, there is nothing but awful pics that make me no longer want to talk to you.  There a few different categories that I will put these pictures in: male selfies, blurry/group pictures, the I cut out my ex girlfriend pictures, the scary axe murder pictures, and the I love children pictures. 

Male Selfies
What is wrong with these guys?  What possesses you to take a selfie in the bathroom mirror with your shirt off?  I'm assuming that you want to show that you are fit and you go to the gym and you love yourself.  Now you should do all of those things, but all I see is that you are a douche bag. 

 

Are you really that self centered that you need to flaunt your body on a dating website?  Is that why you want someone to want to date you?  Because you have a nice body?  I personally would want someone to date me because they like my personality and understand my beliefs and values.  Yes I want people to be attracted to me, but never would I ever post a picture of myself laying on a beach in a string bikini.  Its just not the message that I want to send out. 

My favorite selfie I have ever seen was a guy with no shirt on, in the water, hugging a dolphin.  Seriously?

Blurry/Group
These pictures really annoy me, and are the complete opposite of the man selfie.  I don't understand why anyone would want to post a picture of yourself that you cannot actually see.  Are you really that self conscious that you don't want me to know what you look like?  News Flash!  If I cannot see what you look like, I will not be going out with you.  Now while these blurry pictures may not be able to be avoided, there are ways to work around them.  Guys generally do not go around taking pictures of themselves and their buddies, and usually do not have a big online collection of photos.  Here is where I will refer you to your tagged pictures on Facebook.  I am sure that someone that you hang out with has posted a picture of you that is legible.  All you need to do is copy and paste it into your online profile.

The other part of this is the guy who posts group photos... Again why don't you want me to know what you look like?  Now this one I have mixed feelings on.  There is a difference between having some normal pictures with a group photo thrown in there, and only posting group photos.  I really think that posting a few pictures of you being social is extremely important.  I want to make sure that you can hold your own in public and that you have some friends of your own.  I do not want to date a stage 4 clinger who adopts my friends as his own and wants to be with me 110% of the time.  I have already done that and it was a bit awkward when we broke up.  The key to a good relationship is having a balance and if you have no friends there is no balance.  The problem with group pictures comes in when that is all you have and I cannot tell which one you are. 

Just for the record... in the above picture I wouldn't care who's picture it was because I would gladly go out with any of those guys.


I Cut Out My Ex Girlfriend
I don't understand why you would ever think it was a good idea to post a picture of you and your ex girlfriend on a dating website, but if you do, why are you cutting her out of it?  I do not want to look at a picture of you and her, but at the same time I would almost rather see her whole face instead of just half her ear and her perfect hair.  First of all if you still have all the pictures of you and your ex girlfriend, chances are you are not over her yet.  I am not signing up to be a rebound.  Pictures on online dating websites are supposed to be current and your picture of your ex should be at least a year old for me to be wanting to talk to you.  If you seriously do not have any other pictures of yourself and are not engaged in the 21st century technology of Facebook, call your mother.  I am sure she has some pictures of you from a family party or family vacation.  I would rather look at a picture of you that is 3 years old than look at your current drama.

 

Also a problem is the people who blur out their friends in group pictures.  Do you think I am going to judge you based on what your friends look like?  Relax, I don't want to join a harem.  I really only care what you look like in the pictures, but you are just making it weird by blocking out the other people.  It kind of makes me feel like I am watching one of those bad reality shows where they blur out the can of Mountain Dew.  We all know what the can looks like, it's kind of pointless.  Also why do these guys have so much time on their hands that they are able to alter these pictures before posting them.  I really think they need to get a hobby.

Scary Axe Murder
This one needs no words.  Some of these guys look like they are going to show up at a mall tomorrow and shoot the place up.  What makes you think that posting a picture of yourself with greasy hair and creepy eyes is going to make a girl want to go out with you.  I really feel like I should report some of these guys.  No girl deserves to go out on a date with very little chance that she will make it back home afterwards.  Put the lotion in the basket.

There is another side to this category.  There are some people who are just a given in the creepy axe murder department, and then there are those who you would never suspect.  Now it is one thing to post pictures of yourself dressed up on Halloween (which I really don't think is a good idea either unless your costume is amazing), but it is another to post pictures of yourself dressed up just for fun.  As Darcy pointed out in her KISS guy story, some people are just f'ing weird.  It's those weirdos that give me just as much of the chills as the ones that look like Marilyn Manson.  No part of dressing up like Gene Simmons is going to make me want to date you... and neither is dressing up like a wizard.

No I am not joking.  I actually found this picture on my dating website.  Now the main problem with this (besides that he is a wizard) is that his main profile picture was perfectly normal.  Why are you going to try and trick a girl into thinking you are normal when you are most clearly not!  You don't need to hide the fact that you probably play dungeons and dragons, dress up for Harry Potter movies, and probably still live in your parents basement so you can save up all your money to travel to every Comic Con in the United States.  I almost could deal with all that weirdness... its the hiding it that bothers me.  What else are you hiding?  Dead bodies dressed up like warlocks in your basement?

I Love Children That Are Not Mine
These are the worst offenders of the online dating pictures.  Now when you sign up for the dating website, it asks you a series of questions.  One of them is whether or not you have children, and another is whether or not you want to have them in the future.  These questions are extremely important for me.  First off I want to know if I am signing up to deal with a crazy baby momma, and second of all I need to know if we will need to break up 2 1/2 years down the road because you decided to withhold the fact that you never want children.  Both of those situations are a waste of my sanity and time and I would really rather avoid them at all costs.  But, that is why you answer the questions.  Now when you say "No I don't have kids but I definitely want them one day" I get the point.  You don't have to beat the subject to death.

Now this picture is completely unnecessary.  What is even more unnecessary is the caption "Hanging out with my friends kids at the pumpkin farm.  These kids love their crazy uncle Andy" (not his real name).  First of all why are you posting pictures of your friends' kids on the internet?  I'm sure their parents wont be too thrilled with you for that one.  Second of all, why do you feel the need to call yourself their uncle?  Are you related to their parents?  No.  And seriously you look really crazy posed for a perfect picture at a pumpkin patch.  Sooooooo crazy! 

Now I love the idea that a guy can be secure enough in his masculinity to talk baby talk, let a 5 yr old dress him up as a princess, coddle a child who is crying, and run around like a fool with a group of kids... but that does not mean I need to see a bunch of pictures of you doing it.  That is not going to make me want to date you.  I got all that from your answer "I definitely want kids".  Why do guys think they need to post 80 pictures of them holding babies and playing tea party?  It makes you look more like a pedophile than a great guy.

The Drug Dealer

 In my early 20s, I was very content with my single life, loved living at home, still in school,  had the most amazing social life and never let my lack of real dates piss me off. I loved the freedom to do what I wanted and come and go as I please. My friends were all in serious relationships, and after fixing their relationship problems, dating was not something I was worrying about. 

A good friend of mine decided to fix me up with a guy from her office named Andy.  She told me that he was really attractive, made great money and was hilarious...hello perfect man please come my way!  She gives him my number and we chat for a few times before the big date. I chose to go to a well known Chinese restaurant and he chose to pick me up at home instead of meeting him there.  

The day of the big date, I had an old friend over helping me get ready. When Andy got there she went downstairs first to check him out, came back up saying if I didn't want to go that she would go...this guy was HOT!  (Score!) Nervous as all hell, I went down to meet him and she definitely right... He was one of the hottest guys I had seen in awhile!  His car was beautiful, he was very polite, and I thought this was going to be a just fantastic date.  

We sit down, he orders a bottle of my favorite wine, and the conversation was going great.  I started to notice him looking around a lot, couldn't sit still, and he was sweating.   I mean this kid looked like he was about to run out of this restaurant. I obviously start thinking like a dumb girl.  I was going over everything in my head, like what did I say wrong and what did I do to make him this uncomfortable? (Don't ever turn into the dumb girl...you look pathetic) even though he seemed uncomfortable, he was talking a lot, so his nerves started to calm a little bit.  He mentioned that he went to a party school in southern Illinois, he asked if I had ever been there or if I knew anyone that went there.  I told him, while I never visited, I did know one person.  Now, the guy I knew was a friend of a friend, and I didn't know him too well but I knew he REALLY loved drugs. Andy's face dropped when I told him, and the looking around, can't sit, can't concentrate came right back. He tells me that he knows the guy, and just like that date was over.  

We get in the car and don't really speak during the 10 minute drive home...SUPER awkward.We get to my house and he says he had a wonderful time, and next time we should go out by his house in the northern suburbs because he does not care for the south side.  Now at that time, the south side had some of my favorite bars, and was my favorite place to hang out, so I knew this wasn't going to work. 

I went out a few weekends later and ran into that guy me and Andy were talking about.  We get to talking and and he informs me that I had just been on a date with a very well known drug dealer... Awesome.  Apparently Andy had a few bad drug deals on the south side, so that explains the sweating, looking around, and anxiety.  Clearly you aren't a good drug dealer, but it does explain the nice car, expensive phones, and great taste in clothes with an entry level job. 

I talked to Andy a few more times but I caught him in a few lies, so I never called him again.  I personally do not love drugs or jail.  I did love my single and easy life so I chose hugs and not drugs....but it was so nice to meet you. 

Don't take a girl out to dinner when you think people might be out to get you. Don't do drugs, don't sell bad drugs if you choose to sell them, and don't go on a date with your co-workers friend when you clearly have some crazy addictions and possibly a track record...your bosses will love to hear that. 

Please stop you are scaring me and I hope that you didn't lose your job after everyone in your office found out you were a scum bag drug dealer. 

-Darcy-

The professional athlete

I don't know why I thought it was a good idea to continue to online date after my first experience, but I figured it couldn't get any worse.  I got a message from a guy we will call Stuart, and he was right to the point and asked me to hang out.  I thought this was great, he didn't want to waste my time talking for a month before meeting.  My first clue should have been that he wanted to hang out that night, and he wanted me to drive to his house so he could make me dinner.  Now I am all up for a guy cooking for me, but I am definitely not going to your house on a first date.  It's kind of like the dumb girls that run upstairs in horror movies... You know that just won't end well.  I laid out my rules, and he agreed that going to grab a drink at a bar would be a better move.  I also need to add that it just so happened to be the night of the NFL Draft.  Now, I really don't watch too much professional football, but I love college football and watch the draft every year to see who makes it and where they end up.  

I met Stuart at a local sports bar, as I figured if the date was going bad I could just tune him out and watch the draft.  He is insistent in picking which table we sit at, and of course it is one where I can't see the tv, but I think maybe it's a sign that I won't need the backup.  The waitress comes over and takes our order.  I order a miller lite bottle, and Jack gives me an evil look (I'm not exaggerating it was evil).  He then goes into a 20 minute rant on how I am drinking my beer wrong and he was taught on a brewery tour that you should always drink beer on draft.  He actually asked the waitress to bring me a glass so I could pour my beer into it.  (Just to be clear I still drank it out of the bottle). I'm sorry I didn't realize there was a correct way to drink a beer, and I'm sure if brewery's didn't want you drinking out of a bottle they wouldn't make them.  I can't even imagine what this kid would say about drinking beer out of a can!  Strike 1.

I thought changing the topic was a good idea and asked him what sports he liked to watch and if he played any sports.  This is when I learned that there is such a thing as a professional whirlyball league.   Now for those of you who do not know what whirlyball ball is, you drive around in bumper cars (usually drunk), and throw a ball into a basketball hoop.  Sounds amazing right?  I tell him that's one of the coolest things ever and he probably has so much fun drinking and driving bumper cars around in a professional league!  Nope... He gives me the evil look again and proceeds to school me on the "sport" of whirlyball.  Apparently there is no drinking allowed and it is people like me that give the "sport" of whirlyball a bad name.  He owns special sticks to throw the ball, special uniforms to make him more aerodynamic, and he travels to other cities to compete.  Was this kid for real?  I mean I'm all for having a hobby that you are passionate about, but come on... Aerodynamic suits?  That's worse than the superhero suits at comic-con.  I at least have respect for those nerds.  Strike 2.

After the whirlyball discussion (yes I was still there) Stuart wanted to talk baseball.  I told him I really enjoy going to baseball games, but I don't really pay attention and I don't really care one way or another who wins.  He asked me if I was a Cub or Sox fan.  Being from Chicago, people are very die-hard when it comes to which team they root for, but with me it doesn't really make a difference.   I told him that if I had to pick, I would definitely pick the Cubs, but I root for both teams.  Stuart obviously didn't like that answer and told me he would have worn his "Cubs Suck" t-shirt if he knew I was a Cubs fan.  Really??  I figured since he was being rude, I might as well join the party.  I take out my phone to check the draft results (because remember he wouldn't let me sit anywhere near a tv), and the evil stare comes out again.  He says... And I quote "I now understand why you don't have a boyfriend.  You care a little too much about football."  No words.  Strike 3.

I got up, said I was leaving, and started to walk away, when he says he will walk me to my car.  No I do not want you to walk me to my car, but for the sake of not making a scene in the bar, I let him follow me in silence.  Stuart then proceeds to tell me as we get to my car that while I may be a cool girl to have a beer with, I was not dateable, and there would be no second date.  No shit Sherlock.  This kid insulted me the entire time we were out, why in the world would I subject myself to that a second time?  

Lesson learned:  Maybe I should talk to a guy a little bit before going out with them.  Not a month, but at least a week.  And next time a guy insults me don't stick around thinking it may get better because it never will. 

He called me 2 weeks later to go out again... I said no.

The KISS Guy

100 years ago (ok so it wasn't that long but it's me Darcy...the dramatic one) I was in my prime....going out, drinking, dancing (me dancing is always a story in itself) and dating. I loved my early 20s I thought I was invincible,I thought I could do it all and I dated the worlds biggest dbag (yes we all make mistakes even if that mistake is made over and over...and over again). As things (finally) went south with the dbag, I thought that I would date "the nice guy" I thought this was the answer... date the nice guy and life will be great. So I go out one night to a hole in the wall bar in a small area (first mistake) with a few friends and I find him "Mr. Nice Guy." This guy was very attentive to my incredible dance moves, ability to drink and flirty nature. He wasn't horrible looking, he could use some work in the clothing department but he had potential. 

We talk, I drink, I drink more and then I drank more and kept him close. Deciding that this was a great idea I give him my number when asked for it. 

Sounds great right?!? Here comes the hit.

I get home that night and as the nice guy does he called me to check on me and we have a long convo. In this drunken convo the band KISS was brought up more then once and that should never happen. I start thinking about why he would possibly be bringing all this up then remembered he did have a KISS wallet and belt buckle. Here is where Mr Nice Guy goes incredibly wrong. He tells me he has KISS sheets, KISS clothes, KISS posters covering his walls, KISS costumes (that he actually wears!!), KISS band aids, KISS chap stick and the list continues. I wanted to scream this was like that horrible Drew Barrymore movie Fever Pitch but worse. I mean ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?!?!? KISS puked all over your life and you are trying to date someone??? Oh no. Get your life together.

I loved NSYNC. I mean I loved them but I was young and once I grew up all of that NSYNC stuff went into a box and sealed up with a kiss for a great memory. I have had things I loved and I can appreciate being a fan, but you just took all of your crazy and laid it out on the table in one night.

Sweep up your crazy son because you just sobered me up and will never hear from me again....but it was so nice to meet you. 

Keep your crazy on lock down...at least until after your first date. 

Please stop you are scaring me and don't put on ridiculous costumes....ever.

-Darcy- 

My first online date

So I thought it would be fitting to start off the stories with my first online date.  Now before I start, i should probably tell you that before this 3 year time span of bad date after bad date, I had been in 3 pretty serious relationships, and never had really gone on a real date.  My first dates with my ex-boyfriends usually consisted of meeting at a bar or work or a high school football game.  So going from those to this new world of dating was a big adjustment for me.  

So I sign up for an online dating site, obviously one that I paid for.  Now here is also where I tell you that I do not believe in dating websites that are free.  I mean if you are the type of girl who wants to pay for your own drinks and dinner and then have the guy expect that you are sleeping over on the first date, then by all means please sign up for a free site, but personally I think that guys who are actually serious about finding "the one" will shell out $20 a month.  

So I sign up and I start searching for matches, which if you ask me is basically just flipping through pictures and picking out which guy is the most photogenic.  I find a guy who we will call Rob and start talking back and forth with him via email. He seemed great and we got along really well.  Since he was my first "match" I wanted to make sure that I really got to know him before I met him in person.  We emailed for a good two weeks and then talked on the phone for another 3 weeks or so.  I would spend hours on the phone with this kid and he really seemed normal, so I decided it was time to meet him in person.  

It was Rob's idea to go out so I let him pick the place.  Now if any of you know of or have been to Geja's you understand me when I say that this kid solidified a second date before even meeting him on the first one.  So I drive downtown with very high expectations for this kid,and he looks exactly like his pictures, so I feel like this is going to be great!  We hit it off just like we had been on the phone, and he had me laughing and talking non-stop.  Until the food comes... 

So first he proceeds to pull out his phone and show me a picture of himself where he is at least 30 lbs lighter (he wasn't heavy in the slightest in person and was 6'3" so he was very well proportioned).   He proceeded to tell me that was a month ago and he had gained 30 lbs since then.  Why he was showing me this, I'm still confused about.  So I mumble something about "it's only weight you look fine" and try to drop it. Nope.  He then pulls out his drivers license, where he looks at least 50 lbs heavier than he was at dinner.  He informs me this was only 2 months ago.  Now do this math... Kid loses like 80 lbs in a month, then gains 30 back the next month.  There is something seriously wrong with that.  I try to lose 5 lbs in a month and can't do it but this fool can lose 80?  Doubtful.  So I dare ask "why does your weight fluctuate so much"?  Now me being the person who is willing to give everyone the benefit of the doubt thinks he might have some medical condition.  NOPE.  He proceeds to tell me he has an eating disorder.  First date... You share that on a first date?  He tells me that he stops eating for days if he feels fat.  Seriously?  If I wanted to date an anorexic girl I would go find a lesbian sorority sister.  So I asked how he was feeling today (I just love to torture myself), and he said because it was such a big meal, he had fasted for 3 days prior to our date.  Needless to say the kid ruined his second date chance that was handed to him on a silver plater.   

It took me about 3 weeks to log back in online to look for my next "match".  The one thing that this date taught me was never to waste a month getting to know someone before going out with them. There is no need to waste all that time. Thus was born my first rule of online dating: I'm only allowed to talk to a potential date for max 1 week before meeting them in person.

Seriously a manorexic??